I Want You, and Just You.

Dear husband,

You always wanted to know why? Why do I chose you? Why do I married to you? I might not have the right answer that you have been expecting me to say. Because for me, everything are the right reasons why i married to you. Everything.

I thank God for allowing me to share your happiness with me. To share your family, & friends with me. I have all that when I'm with you.

Sometimes, all I really want to do is sit beside you. I love to watch cheesy & crappy movies with you, and we will laugh at them together. I love to plan things with you, things we'll never do (coz you always said bout saving the money) , but for some reason just planning them with you is fine with me. I love to talk to you about everything & anything. I love to goof around with you and make jokes that aren't funny but we'll laugh nonetheless.

I will always want to fall in love with you, over and over and maybe at one point we'll get tired of each other, & I am sorry for not having the right answer to your question, but until then, I want you, and just you.

I am sorry,

Your wife.

A Day To Remember

13 May 2011

Bangun pagi, tetiba baru perasan mcm da lama tak 'period'. Rasa mcm malas2 je nak pergi kerja. Sms to TL, cakap hari ni masuk lambat. Segera bukak drawer cari 'pregnancy kit'. Masih malas2 nak bergerak. Masuk toilet, buat la apa yg patut & menunggu. Tunggu lagi... Tetiba.. Terkejut skejap. Positif!!! Segera BBM Kepet. It was one of the best day of my life. But still mcm percaya

x percaya lagi.

14 May 2011

Bangun pagi. Masih was-was kot la pregnancy kit semlm bengong ke, false alarm je ke. Test yg ke dua. & the result positif jugak!!!!! Syukur Alhamdulillah. Tak sangka. Rezki. Tuhan da bagi. :)

10 Jun 2011 (9th week)

Hari ni ada appointment dgn Klinik Wanita TTDI. My 1st scan. My baby scan. Cuak. Sbb tatau nak respon mcm mana bila bakal tgk scan ni apa semua. Kalau diikutkan kiraan, mungkin dalam 9 minggu umur kandungan ni.

Perasaan? Tak terbayang. Gembira. Tapi bila nada percakapan Dr Idris mcm lain sket. Dia mencadangkan blood test & pengambilan supplements.

15 Jun 2011 (10th week)

Dapat panggilan dari Klinik Wanita TTDI, Dr Idris nak jumpa, berkaitan keputusan blood test katanya. Serta merta rasa tak sedap hati, if nak bgtau keputusan smpai nk kena jumpa doktor.

16 Jun 2011 (10th week)

Keputusan blood test. Buat mengalir jugak lah air mata ni. Toxoplasma dalam manusia biasa ialah 3.0 . Aku pnya ialah 7.5. Punca? Doktor cakap aku tak boleh dekat dgn kucing. Merbahaya. Sebab doktor cakap mmg effect kat kandungan. Terpaksalah duduk kt bilik je lps ni. Siang malam kena makan ubat.

23 Jun 2011

Lately aku memang sibuk. Kerja2 ofis & kerja luar. 4.30pm, lps settle smua kerja, baru la ada masa nk ke toilet. Terkejut. Sbb tetiba aku ada bleeding. Panik, terus nangis. Segera balik umah, pergi klinik, derang suruh terus ke hospital.

Hospital Pantai, Bangsar. Pukul 6.30pm sampai emergency, tp pukul 8.30 baru derang entertain. Masuk dalam, masih kena tunggu. At last, nurse yg datang. Katanya, bleeding ni kes biasa je org mengandung. Suruh dtg semula esoknya. Lgsg xde siapa yg check, but still kena charge mcm biasa. -____-"

26 Jun 2011 (12th week)

Dari hari Khamis smpai la ke Ahad, still berdarah lagi, biasa je. Tapi around 7pm, tetiba sakit semacam. Mmenyucuk2. Mcm contraction. Dekat 15 minit dalam toilet. Aku da tumpah darah. Meleleh2, penuh lantai. Nak panggil adik pon xberdaya. Capai hp, call Baby suruh dia naik kt bilik. Mama & Baby terkejut,Istighfar panjang. Segera ke hospital. Yg terdekat, HBKL wad bersalin.

Sampai 3 doktor, 2 nurses & 3 interns ada dok rawat. Doktor cakap, memang aku keguguran. Sambil doktor2 buat rawatan, air mata tak berhenti2 nangis. Terlalu sedih, sampaikan nurse terpaksa pujuk. Dia pegang tangan aku, & mintak aku banyakkan bersabar. Sakit. Tapi lagi sakit & pedih bila tgk darah2 meleleh, & kandungan yg gugur tu berjaya dikeluarkan. Air mata tetap tak berhenti. Nurse yg sama bersihkan darah2 & badan aku. Doktor bagi suntikan, untuk make sure semua da keluar & takde yg tertinggal, so tak perlu D&C. Doktor buat scan, bila ditunjuk je monitor, aku menangis lagi. Kosong. Rasa mcm kosong dunia. Tuhan je yg tau apa aku rasa.

2 Ogos 2011 (supposed to be my 17th week)

Sekarang, Alhamdulillah, semakin sihat. Tapi kadang2, bila nk tido, hati akn teringat. Pernah sekali, aku menangis teresak2 tgh malam. Kepet tgk aku sedih, dia pon sama mengalir air mata. Bukan senang semua ni. Tapi aku terpaksa menerima kenyataan. Bukan rezki.

Cubaan utk menguatkan diri sendiri. "Yg penting aku mesti sihat, badan kena sihat, supaya suatu hari nanti badan aku cukup sihat utk rezki akn datang".

Baby, you'll never be forgotten. InsyaAllah.